Enemies of Usab & Roger

On their journey Prince Usab and Roger encounter many monsters and aggressive types, but none are more dangerous than the Vampire Teddy Bears, creatures who act like they are human and manipulate those who love them, in order to control them. They have no feelings and no life, and they seek to stop you having one too.

If you know a bully or if you spend your life trying to please a passive-aggressive loved one, you may understand how a Vampire Teddy Bear works.

Vampire Teddy Bear Warnings and Alerts

Have you or a loved one unwittingly been victim to a vampire teddy bear? Would you be able to identify one if it comes into your life?

Vampire teddy bears are all around us, pretending to be cute and be our best friend, by tuning into your wishes, desires and insecurities, and manipulating them. They are the masters of imitation. They loved to find people full of life and suck the energy out of them.

Here are some recent sightings:

Moaner Bear

DANGER LEVEL: Medium

She has constant back pain, neck pain and headaches but keeps soldiering on while moaning and groaning. You’d rather she just went home. What she really wants is for you to feel guilty and be in debt to her for future use.

Moaner bear, fairytale satire, toxic teddy

Do not approach Moaner Bear

Judgemental Bear

DANGER LEVEL: HIGH

He tears your self-esteem apart with back-handed compliments and unconstructive criticism dressed up as advice.

judgemental bear, fairytale satire

Avoid Judgemental Bear

One Earred Bear

DANGER LEVEL: LOW

Ripped off in a terrible accident, one eared bear has found that the loss of one ear has increased the power of the other. He hears only what he wants to hear, and nothing that he doesn’t want to hear. He does what he wants, when he wants and feels no guilt.

One Eared Bear, fairytale satire

Steer clear of One Eared Bear

Never-been-loved-bear

DANGER LEVEL: LOW 

Also known as Poor Little Rich Bear, this teddy bear was so precious that he was put in a cupboard and never hugged. He will cling to you and  isolate you from your friends becauce none of them are good enough for him. Soon it’s just the two of you.

Never been loved bear, satire fairytale

Never trust Never Been Loved Bear

Competitive Teddy

DANGER LEVEL: LOW

A little competition never hurt anyone, or did it? You start ballet, she thinks you should do it together. She is the swan and you must be in her chorus line. You think you are doing stuff together, but she is really sabotaging you because she is jealous of your light. She has no passion of her own.

Competitive teddy, fairytale satire

Do Not Meddle with Competitive Teddy

Wounded Bear

DANGER LEVEL: HIGH 

Wounded Bear has been hurt before and has trouble trusting. Where were you? Was there another teddy there? Is that piece of fluff on your coat from another teddy? Did you love your last teddy more than me? I don’t believe you! Are you up for a life time of being cross-examined and accused of lying?

damaged teddy, wounded bear, fairy tale satire

Don’t be fooled by Wounded Bear

Teddy with Mittens

DANGER LEVEL LOW 

What is yours is his, and what is his is his but not yours- well, he didn’t think you wanted it!

Teddy with Mittens, fairytale satire

Keep an eyes on your stuff when Teddy With Mittens is around

Fair-Weather Bear

DANGER LEVEL: LOW

This bear is by your side celebrating your victories and sharing your prize in sunny weather, when things turn stormy for you he’s not around.

Fair Weather Teddy

Be careful with Fair Weather Teddy

Zanny Teddy

DANGER LEVEL: LOW 

His energy is contagious before you know it he’s turned your life upside down you with his fun loving spontaneity.

Zanny Teddy, fairytale satire

Do not get started with Zanny Teddy

 Gossip Teddy

 DANGER LEVEL: MEDIUM

She visits her neighbours with bowls of hot honey just to get a few facts that she twists into a tasty story- she is just sooo worried about others. Accuse her of gossiping or insensitivity and she will burst into tears as the victim and you will become the accused.

gossip teddy, fairytale satire

Don’t say anything to Gossip Teddy

Helpless Teddy

DANGER LEVEL:  LOW

He seems so  nice but he can`t do anything for himself and it`s exhausting.

fairytale satire, helpless teddy

Do be selflish with Helpless Teddy

Victim Teddy Bear

DANGER LEVEL: MEDIUM 

You are so lucky because you are pretty! You are so lucky because you are a human and people treat you humanly! You don’t know how it feels to be an mangy bear! Bears can’t get jobs, or drivers licenses or bank accounts which is humilating. The world is against Victim Teddy Bear and it`s not his fault. He is only happy when you are miserable.

Victim Teddy, fairytale satire

Don’t fall for Victim Teddy Bear

Manipulator Teddy

DANGER LEVEL: HIGH

He tells you what you want to hear and promises to do everything for you tomorrow. Meanwhile you are doing everything for him today. Tomorrow never comes.

panda, fairy tale satire

Take extreme caution with Panda

Bully Bear

DANGER LEVEL: HIGH

This wise guy constantly criticises you and makes cruel comments, and if you react it gets worse. It`s always a joke and always your fault for being offended. Little by little he wittles away your confidence until you believe what he says and he has complete control of you.

Bully Bear

Report Bully Bear immediately

Heirloom Teddy

DANGER LEVEL : Medium

You should respect him for the wisdom of years endured and listen to the stories that he tells in a long droning voice. You try to understand, you look for a point, you wait for a point… eventually you realise there is no end and he is telling the same story over and over.

old teddy, fairytale satire

Keep your distance from Heirloom Teddy

Pink Bear

DANGER LEVEL : Low

Everything has to be pink for you and her, and just her way. It’s because pinks suits her and doesn’t suit you and she can only be friends with people she thinks are not as pretty as her and people she can control

pink teddy, fairtytale satire

Think before you approach Pink Teddy

Delicate Teddy

DANGER LEVEL: Medium

Cough! Cough! Poor little hypochondriac bear catches a cold with the slightest breeze and conjunctivitis if she touches anything that hasn’t been disinfected. She can’t come out to play ever and neither can you – if you are her true friend you’ll stay with her and look after her.

teddy bear vampires, fairy tale satire

Beware of Delicate Teddy

Creepy Bear

DANGER LEVEL: High

Everybody else just thinks he is eccentric and harmless, but something about him makes the hairs on your neck stand up. He can explain away inappropriate behaviour but trust your instincts and avoid him.

Creepy bear, fairytale satire

Stay way way away from Creepy Bear

REPORTING VAMPIRE TEDDY BEARS

If you see one, please contact us immediately with the details. Do NOT attempt to dispose of them, they are NOT biodegradable and are flame resistant. Vampire Teddy Bears are toxic. They will force you to hug them and love them, with out hugging or loving in return. Please upload pictures to Prince Usab & Rogers Facebook page.

READING & LEARNING ABOUT VAMPIRE TEDDY BEARS

Read about encounters with some very sneaky vampire teddy bears in the novel The Grand Adventure of Prince Usab & His Horse Roger.

best kids books ever, kids books for adutlts, fairytale satire

Now available in Hardcopy and Paperback at all good book shops. If your local bookstore doesn’t have it, ask them to order it in. Hardcopy (ISBN 978-0-9924661-4-5)  and Paperback (ISBN 978-0-9924661-5-2)

Also available in Hardcopy, Paperback and Kindle on Amazon.

Available in Paperback at Angus & Robertson in Australia.

Also available on Nook and Kobo.

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